is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
you made out with another girl for some wings
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
