This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
