I hope mine doesn't look like that
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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