how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
