Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
