I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
