Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
