Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
