Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
