Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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