why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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