there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
