Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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