yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
