a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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