on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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