At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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