Can i not drive my cunt home
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
