You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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