Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
