Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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