i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dicks are not precious.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
