i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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