Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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