Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
