uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
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he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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