Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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