The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
