nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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