Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
