I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
