my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
