He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
