tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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