Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
