She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
