I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
