I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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