that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
