im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
