I am spending my child support on dildos
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
