and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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