I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
