Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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