got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
