he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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