I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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