Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
