I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
