I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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