I can text with my tongue
People with herpes should wear stickers.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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