Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you inspire me to be a worse person
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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