This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
