I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
