Someone shit on the floor
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
