The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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