There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's never too late to be topless.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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