I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
