I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
